


A sin too big

by yssanne



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Ficlet, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 05:27:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2569805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yssanne/pseuds/yssanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even though Dean wants to be with Sam, he feels he can't allow himself to do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A sin too big

If you’d only know how beautiful you are…

I look at you, any time I can, I just look at you and you take my breath away. When we were kids Sammy, back then in that whole another life I decided I’d do this one thing right: I would guard you and raise you and guide you and love you. As if I knew one day we’d be only family we’ve got.

But I never, never thought I’d come to this.

I look at you now and burn. I’m so sorry, Sammy. I never meant for this to happen. (But hell, how could anyone lay eyes on you and not fall on love instantly I’ll never understand.)

So sorry.

_Dean. My beautiful Dean. How could you ever doubt, how could you think I don’t love you in every way imaginable? Ever since iIcan remember there was always you. Only you. My first word and probably last too. If I love you in all the ways I know and some I haven’t named yet, why do you still persist in saying it’s better like this?_

_There is one heaven, Dean, one for us two and if that isn’t clear enough than I don’t know what is. Do I need to die again, do you need to die again to finally realize that every time we go back to each other and there isn’t yet a thing, a person, a demon to stop us from that?_

Sammy. Although my mouth has turned to ashes needing to moan your name, to surrender it to darkness and paint you in it, I can't. I will die over and over again and come back still loving you, but I can’t. You deserve better. You deserve something, anything else but your brother (brother!). I’ve been a monster, both human and demon, been so many things I wouldn’t want on anyone, but this? This is too much even for me.

I’d go back on the rack if I thought that they could claw you out of me. You have too many burdens already, too many fuck ups (many of which I was the one responsible for) to carry this too. I wish I could say something’s broken in me but the sad truth is I’ve always loved you more. More than a human loves another human, more than a brother loves his brother, more than sunflowers so helplessly love sun.

Just more.

_Dean. The winds haven’t yet stopped chanting and in the changing of the year I see changes in us, more now than ever. I can bend less and less every day and every day I feel this love setting in my bones, gouging them out and making place for it. I’m not sorry for that pain, it simply means not even you can force it out._

_If you can find your harbour in me as I found my solace in you, is it really so necessary to deny me? Deny us? Must you go against our blood, our soul just to keep some illusion of long lost innocence that I never needed (after all, I always did have you)?_

_Dean. Come to me. Home is where the heart is and we’ve been lost for too long. Wandering aimlessly when all the while the beginning and the end were but a touch away. Come to me._

So sorry, baby boy.

So sorry.

I can’t.

 


End file.
